But I deserved it - AU
by a-slightcatchoflightning
Summary: An AU set at Holby secondary school, Lofty is discovered to be a victim of abuse, but Miss Freeman and Mr Keogh come to the rescue. Lofty is 16. TW:/ Neglect, child abuse, physical abuse, low self-esteem, panic attacks, depression mention. It's very dark, which was both a mix of me being in a dark mood, and there is one personal experience in there.


Lofty trudged through the school gates. It was a crisp December morning, and the beginning of the Christmas holidays were just around the corner. He was dreading it; while everyone else was buzzing about the two final weeks before the festivities, he was wishing they didn't exist. Weekends with his mum were bad enough. He wasn't sure he could cope much longer.

As he passed the maths block, it began to gently snow, flakes whispering across the stark grounds. Not many people had arrived yet, but then again he doubted many people were forced out of bed at 5am to clean and then shoved out of the house at 7am with threats of what would happen to them if they told anyone about her. Bitch.

He shivered. That was the other thing, he had no coat. The winter months had been harsh this year, yet she'd refused to buy him a coat, not that he'd had one since he was eight anyway. A niggling sense of worry crept into his head, but he shook it. Nothing was wrong now, he was safe.

Finally reaching the entrance to the library, he leant forward to push open the heavy wooden door. A rush of warmth covered his body and he shivered at the change, his fingers numb but thawing out of the cold. He was alone. The solitary librarian sat at the desk tapping on her computer and sighing every so often. Lofty made his way to his favourite corner and curled up by the radiator, reaching for a copy of Gullstruck Island.

Half an hour later, Lofty sat still curled in the same position, his limbs no longer aching with the cold, but a sense of anxiety creeping in. He'd reached chapter seven, but then his mind had drifted. The librarian was still tapping at her computer, but nothing could distract him from the panic creeping in. He remembered now that he'd forgotten to fill the dog's water bowl; his mum was going to be so angry when she realised. Oh God.

A mind-throwing cloud of worry passed over him, shortly interrupted by the bell clanging to signal first period, making him jump. He slammed the book back onto the shelf and swung his bag onto his back, flinching as it smacked against his spine, yet managing to sustain a yelp.

By second period English, the anxious feeling that burdened Lofty was getting to be too much. It was like this every time he did something wrong, he never knew what she was going to do. His body still ached from the night before when he'd dropped a glass, he'd apologized immediately, but it wasn't good enough. Nothing was ever good enough.

"Ben!" Miss Freeman said loudly, yanking him out of his own thoughts "What did I just say?" her voice had returned to an ordinary volume now, but Lofty could feel panic rising in his throat. He had to think logically, she wasn't going to do anything to him; he just had to answer her question.

"I'm not sure, I'm sorry" he confessed, looking down at the hopeless scribble of noted on his page, a tear dropped onto the second line, blurring the word beneath it. That's all he was, a blur, a mess, a pointless nothing.

"Okay class continue what you're doing" Miss Freeman announced, "Ben, can I have a quick word outside please?" she asked, crouching down by his desk and attempting to make eye contact with him.

"Yeah sure" he whispered, standing up carefully, still staring at the floor and walking softly to the door, holding it open for her. She smiled at him and they both stepped outside.

"Ben that wasn't like you back there" Miss Freeman started, disappointment tainting her voice, though she tried to mask it.

"Hn" he replied, still staring at the floor. He knew if tis didn't end shortly, the panic attack that had been brewing all morning would break and who knew what would happen then?

"Is there something wrong?" she questioned, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder as he shied away even further.

He flinched and ducked, raising his hand over his head and letting out a whimper. Oh God he couldn't breathe, what a fucking idiot! Why couldn't he just be normal?

"Ben?" she asked concern filling her voice, "Ben, I'm not angry, it's okay"

Lofty fell to the floor, pulling his legs tight against his chest, his breathing quickening. He couldn't see, a haze falling over his vision as Miss Freeman dropped to his side.

"Lofty, sweetie, breathe" she said softly, holding his shoulders. He flinched violently and she was taken aback by the force of his response.

Miss Beauchamp clacked up the stairs, her heels ringing out with each step, she sounded like Her.

Lofty yelped, tears now streaming down his face "'msorrysosorrys-sorry, please" he whimpered, shaking.

"What on earth is happening?" Miss Beauchamp shouted, running over to where Miss Freeman sat, desperately trying to calm the panicking boy.

"I don't know, I touched his shoulder and he started panicking" Miss Freeman replied, urgency flooding her voice.

"Shh Ben it's okay sweetie" Miss Beauchamp whispered, crouching down on the other side of him. She gently placed her hand on his back, rubbing it in smooth circles as Miss Freeman went to call for a temporary supply for her class.

As Lofty's breathing returned to normal and he calmed a little, Miss Beauchamp began to realise bumps over his back and that occasionally he flinched as her hand crossed one.

"Can you and Miss Freeman come to my office when you're ready please?" she instructed standing, turning and clacking back down the stairs.

Lofty shivered as Miss Freeman sat back down beside him; the supply was now accompanying her class, so he had her undivided attention.

"Lofty sweetie" she began "What's going on?"

"I-I can't" he whispered, "She'll kill me"

"I'm not going to let anyone hurt you" Miss Freeman said softly "We're here to help and protect you which is why I need to know if someone's hurting you. People don't usually have a panic attack if someone touches their shoulder, honey"

Lofty took a deep breath, the air whispering shakily around his mouth.

"L-last night, I-I dropped a glass. I di'nt mean to, honest, and I apologized I swear. S-she lunged for me a-and I I tried to run, I nearly m-made it up the s-stairs, a-a-and." Lofty began to cry once more, but he pushed on. He couldn't bear to watch the look of horror grow on Miss Freeman's face any longer, so he stared at the floor as he rushed the rest of his words. "S-she grabbed my leg a-and pulled me down the s-stairs. I fell to the f-floor and s-she was th-there and she kept hitting m-me"

"Oh honey" Miss Freeman whispered, taking Lofty's hand. He squeezed it back, tightly, his knuckles going white.

"I-I didn't mean to drop the g-glass I swear" he pleaded, "I-I was c-cold, I started c-crying, b-but you never know if you should cry or not. S-sometimes if you cry, she stops, b-but sometimes she'll h-hit you harder a-and scream at you u-until you stop". Fresh tears erupted, clearing the tearstains already on his face.

"Is that what you were thinking about when I asked you that question?" she asked, trying to hold back tears at the thought of the boy being hurt in that way.

"Y-yes I'm so sorry" Lofty pleaded "P-please don't be angry, I-I forgot to fill up the dog's water bowl this m-morning, sh-she's not going to let me get away with it, I-I was thinking about it, I'm sorry".

"I'm not going to let them send you back there" Miss Freeman said, "Are you okay to go to Miss Beauchamp's office now?"

"I-I don't know" he confessed shakily trying to stand.

"It'll be okay, come on Lofty, I'm not going to make you go alone"

When they entered Miss Beauchamp's office, she was sitting at her desk expectantly, her face exhibiting worry concerning the events that took place earlier that morning.

"Please take a seat" she said softly, gesturing towards three seats, one already taken by Mr Keogh, the student welfare officer.

"Now Ben" Mr Keogh began, taking over, "We need to know if something's happening at home, so we can help you"

Lofty looked to Miss Freeman. "I-I can't" he said "Not again". Tears of frustration filled his eyes and Miss Beauchamp leant forward to offer more support.

"We understand how difficult it is to talk about this, but we need you to trust us and tell us as much as you can, then we can protect you better – Do you want to start with those bumps on your back? I felt them when I touched your back"

"Th-they're bruises."

"Would you mind showing us, Ben?" Mr Keogh intervened "We really need as much evidence as we can get"

"Uh o-okay" he stuttered, standing up and lifting his shirt as he turned his back to them.

"Miss Freeman, call social services and the police please" Miss Beauchamp asked as Lofty took a seat, his head in his hands.

"Is there any other information you can disclose before social services arrive?" Mr Keogh pressed, "Maybe tell us who it is doing this to you, what they do, anything like that?"

"I-I haven't eaten in 2 days, she doesn't let me have food if I do something bad, I- I can't sleep. Th-the the floor's cold. She hits me, she hits me." He looked down again, the tips of his ears turning red.

"You're being so brave" Mr Keogh intervened. He remembered having a childhood not so different from that which was being described to him and the tear it left in him was immense. He could still see 11 year old Lofty joining the school 5 years ago. He'd always been shy and sweet, answering questions when asked and whenever someone seemed down, he'd try to help. Everyone loved selfless Lofty; he was a favourite not only among his peers, but teachers too. And now this? The truth hurt.

The bell rang for lunch. "One more thing Lofty" Mr Keogh said, now using his nickname out of fondness and in attempt to relax him, "Who is she?"

"My mum" Lofty replied nonchalantly. "It's been like this since I was six. I'm used to it"

"You shouldn't be, this isn't fair and it isn't your fault"

"So why does she do it?"

"That, I can't answer because I don't know"

Just as Mr Keogh finished his sentence, 2 social workers, 2 police officers and a very drunk Mrs Chiltern came through the door to Mrs Beauchamp's office.

"Ben you useless bastard!" Mrs Chiltern began as he gasped in fear. She leapt forward, grabbing him and slapping his face, her ring leaving a cut by his eye as the police officers jumped forwards restraining her and dragging her back out of the room.

Miss Freeman came over to Lofty as he reached up to his face, his sleeve dropping down his skinny arm as he did so, revealing further bruising along his arm. He looked dismayed when he saw the blood on his hand and she crouched down next to his chair. "Do you want to come with me and we'll clean that up and get you some food yeah?" she offered gently, helping him up and leading him out of the office.

Meanwhile, back in the office, a conversation was being held as o what should be done.

"We'll have to call out emergency foster parents" one social worker, Alicia, began, scribbling something down on her clipboard, before being interrupted by Mr Keogh.

"Wait no! You can't put him in a house of random strangers, he wouldn't cope, he's depressed and if he didn't have anyone who knew him there, Ben would be at great risk of harming himself"

"We can't leave him with an abusive mother" replied the other social worker, Zoe, "so unless you can suggest something, it'll have to be emergency care."

Mr Keogh thought for a moment. "Maybe, maybe I could do it?" he offered. "I've known Ben since he was 11 when he first came to me for student counselling, and I could find a suitable house if I had a few days, I live on a houseboat at the moment. Or – or, if I'm not allowed, maybe you could consider Rita, I mean Miss Freeman, she's a qualified foster parent, she did the course at the same time as me. I mean, in my opinion, you can't learn parenting through a course, but we both took the course and everyone here loves Ben for his selflessness. I-I'd even consider adoption if the opportunity came up.

He stopped for a second to take a breath, and looked at both the social workers with desperation in his eyes. They were smiling at each other and Alicia wrote something else down.

"You seem very compassionate towards Ben" Zoe began "and we've looked at both yours and Rita's qualifications for the matter. You wouldn't have to find a house, though we would have to perform a rigorous safety procedure on the boat."

"Wait so you mean?" Mr Keogh began

"Yes, you would be considered a suitable candidate for fostering, but we would suggest that we talk to Rita when she gets back. Considering Ben's current fragility, the best thing we could do at the moment, is to place him with her for a few days while we perform the various safety checks." Alicia replied.

"Neither of you have any children at home currently?" Zoe pushed

"No" answered Mr Keogh

"So Mr Keogh, when Rita gets back, we can discuss this further, but for the time being, there are some forms for the school and some statements concerning the abuse that need to be made" Zoe continued.

"I think when Ben gets back, you might want to have a look at his back and arms" Connie contributed, "there's evidence of heavy physical abuse aswell as complaints of lack of food and sleep"

"Thankyou Connie, we'll make sure we do once these forms are filled out" said Alicia with a friendly smile.

Lofty was silent. Miss Freeman had gone down to the school cafeteria to get him some lunch and he couldn't fathom why everyone was being so nice to him, why they'd said he'd be going into care. It was just discipline wasn't it? He wasn't well behaved, he was always tripping and dropping things and forgetting to do simple tasks like filling the dog's water bowl. He deserved everything his mum ever did to him didn't he? He twisted his hands around in his lap, then reached up towards his eye; a plaster covered the cut he could only assume was caused by his ring and he brushed it gently with his forefinger. She'd left so many marks on him over the last ten years, maybe it was enough. But he'd never be enough, not really.

He stood up from his seat and went over to the mirror on the other side of Miss Freeman's office. She'd told him that she'd been glad to get him out of there for a bit; it was strenuous on his nerves and he needed a break. Huh. It was funny having people care about him.

He clenched his eyes tight, and then opened them, looking at his profile staring back at him in the mirror. It was worse than he'd thought.

Hollow green eyes stared back at him and a purple bruise blossomed where she'd slapped him, half covered by a plaster. His skin was pale and dark circled had formed under his eyes from lack of sleep and the stress built up overtime; his dark curls lay limp and his collar hung off him. It had been a long time since he'd looked in a mirror. Speaking of which…

He looked around to check Miss Freeman hadn't entered the room while he'd been lost in his thoughts and grabbed the hem of his jumper and his shirt, raising them midway up his torso. The appearance shocked him. He knew it was bad, but not that bad surely? An array of bruises and scabs, some threatening to scar, were scattered across his abdomen and sides, and his ribcage overhung his flat stomach. His hipbones stuck out above his waistband and he could see the cigarette burn on one, still visible from when he was 9. Sighing, he dropped the hem and turned back away from the mirror. Miss Freeman stood by the door, a look of horror on her face.

"I'm sorry" Lofty yelped "I only looked for a second"

"It's okay" Miss Freeman soothed, "You're allowed to look in the mirror, I was just surprised" she walked a little closer and sat on the edge of her desk, gesturing to a chair. "I got us some lunch, you should definitely eat something. She handed him a sandwich, some fruit and a carton of milk and he looked at it all in front of him.

"Are you sure I can eat this?" he asked flinching at the same time, as if expecting to be hit.

"Yes, I'm totally sure" she replied, taking a bite out of her own sandwich and eating it. "See? It's fine to eat" she finished and he reached hungrily for an apple.

Half an hour later, Lofty and Miss Freeman re-entered Miss Beauchamp's office and it was arranged that Lofty would stay with Miss Freeman for a week while safety analysis was taken on Mr Keogh's boat. Then, providing it was safe enough to do so, he would move in with Mr Keogh.

"Miss Freeman, I suggest you take a half day and take Ben home, he must be exhausted" Connie suggested and Miss Freeman nodded.

"Would that be okay Ben?" she asked and he nodded nervously, glancing towards Alicia and Zoe.

"Do you have any questions?" Alicia asked, smiling at him.

"I-I yeah I do" he cleared his throat, "why are you doing this for me?" he asked bluntly, flinching as Alicia leant forwards.

"Hitting is abuse." Alicia said, "And abuse is illegal, it's the law and we care about you"

Miss Freeman put her head closer to his. "Lofty honey" (he'd asked that she didn't call him sweetie because that's what his mum had called him), "Lofty, we're doing this because the way your mother treated you wasn't right, you didn't deserve to be slapped even once, let alone for ten years of your life. We want to make a change, yeah?"

"Okay" he muttered looking down.

"See you on Monday Miss Freeman" called Connie as the two left the room.

"We'll be okay" Miss Freeman assured him, "And you can call me Rita" she smiled and Lofty smiled back.

"Thankyou Mi- Rita" he replied.

"It's no problem Lofty, no problem at all"


End file.
